I can remember it like it was yesterday. I can even remember the exact time of day when they told me Jack was gone.
Just that morning I had begun to unpack his baby clothes as we had just moved into a new home. I couldn’t wait to feel him growing bigger inside my belly. I even told him his big sister, Emma, had hiccups a few weeks before she was born. I was happy. I was so happy.
After they told me he was gone; I felt the room start to spin and the panic set in.
He was gone. My boy was gone.
I felt dread begin to fill my heart. One minute my life was intact and in the next minute I saw pieces falling all around me. I saw all the plans we made for our family fade away. All the milestones I wouldn’t get to see. I wouldn’t be able to watch Jack grow up and share his gifts with the world.
Our family wasn’t complete anymore.
It was all gone. He was gone.
A part of me gave up that day. Gave up on me, my life, my dreams. And it would take many years to grieve losing my son.
Soon after losing Jack, the anger set in. I was angry at myself, my spouse, the doctors, and even God.
How could God let this happen?
What had I done to deserve losing Jack?
How would my life ever be the same again?
How would I ever get over my pain, my loss?
I became an empty version of myself when I lost my son Jack.
The years that followed were filled with grief that became exhausting. All it would take was seeing a little boy who would have been the same age as Jack, and my eyes would fill with tears and my breath would catch.
I kept putting on a happy face and tried to push past my loss.
I completely immersed myself in work and in my daughter’s life. But, just under the surface, lived the anger that was hiding the intense sadness in my heart. I didn’t know where to turn or who to talk to about my loss.
It was a reading I had with another medium that started to bring me back to life.
In my session, Larissa asked me, “Shauna, have you talked to Jack?”
I started to cry and replied, “No, Jack’s gone. He died.”
“He’s here and he wants to talk to you,” she said. “Look and you’ll see him.”
I stared in disbelief as I watched a beautiful, majestic angel walking toward me holding hands with a little boy. The little boy appeared to be about 4 years old.
As they came closer to me, I felt time stand still and I clasped my hands over my mouth. I felt Jack’s energy all around me.
He held out his little hand like he wanted to give me something. I opened my hand, and he placed a small heart-shaped rock in it. I told him I loved him, and he said, “I love you more, Momma.”
He climbed into my lap and placed his head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around him and for the first time in years, I felt like I could breathe again.
The tears slid down my face, but they didn’t carry sadness, instead they were tears filled with joy and peace. The longing I felt for Jack subsided and I just held him.
I’m not sure how long we sat together that day, but every moment was Heaven for me a I bathed in his energy and love.
He looked up at me and said, “the angel wants to take me back, Momma.”
Jack jumped up and walked over to the angel who took his little hand in hers. They started to walk back into the light when Jack stopped and turned around. He said, “I love you, Momma, I’ll see you soon.” He waved and I blew him a kiss.
It’s a day that will be etched in my heart and soul forever. The day my Jack came back to me.
Larissa explained to me that all the grief and sorrow I felt from losing Jack had added more pain to my heartache and prevented me from connecting with him on the Other Side.
She gently said to me, “You must give your grief the dignity it deserves. Jack will help you to heal your heartache.”
My heart began to heal that day. And, in the days and weeks that followed my reading, I felt hopeful again knowing that my son was okay, and that I could connect with him whenever I needed to.
There are no words to describe the pain of losing a child, but it is through the heartache and loss that new life is found. Being able to connect with Jack, started to mend my heart and I was able to find new hope again. I became acquainted with the new version of me. My loss had changed me in ways I had never imagined possible, and I was no longer the person I used to be before Jack.
I am blessed to be able to watch Jack as he grows up in Heaven. He gets bigger every time I see him, and I still find heart rocks wherever I go.
Shauna Domalain is a Spiritual Medium and Grief Counselor. She lives in Calgary, Canada with her family and fur babies. Visit her website for more information: www.livealifeyoulove.org and check out her podcast on iTunes: The Oracle of Light.